


Rohypnol

by Chae_young_money, sleepynayeon



Series: broken hearts and addiction [2]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, One-Sided Love, drug usage, incredibly sad, namo - Freeform, slight jinayeon (if thats even the ship name lmaooo), slight nachaeng, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:48:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11236080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chae_young_money/pseuds/Chae_young_money, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepynayeon/pseuds/sleepynayeon
Summary: If you can't sleep every night, you might suffer from insomnia. If you can't feel happy, you might suffer from depression.Most of the time, it's pretty hard to fight these two illnesses. You can go to the therapist or take sleeping pills but it might not work out.And what if you find the cure to your sickness in the form of a human?And just a reminder: Love can sometimes be one-sided.





	1. One bad night

**Author's Note:**

> angst, written by chae_young_money. idea is mine, but all credit goes to the one who wrote this.  
> final work by chae_young_money in this series. next two works will be mine.

_How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this? I never did anyone wrong. I was a good girl. Always. I treated people nicely and I was always polite. I never hurt someone or broke someone's heart. Yet, my heart is broken._

_I look at my reflection in the mirror. Dark circles under my red, puffy eyes. Pale skin like paper...or porcelain. Yes, porcelain. That's probably the better comparison._

_Because I feel like I'm made out of porcelain. Fragile, probably going to break. I used to think if you take care of something good enough, it can't break._

_But I was wrong._

_Everything and everyone has a breaking point._

_And this is mine._

 

I know that something is terribly wrong with me. An average woman at my age should get at least seven hours of sleep per night.

I don't.

Because I'm not average at all.

I get up to four hours of sleep per night. It doesn't sound as if it makes a huge difference. Three hours doesn't sound like that much. But hell it is. It is much.

You can easily stay awake for a night or two. But if you can't sleep properly for years, then you notice the difference.

It's not just being tired. It's being moody, feeling lifeless. It slowly sucks out your soul and there's nothing you can really do about it.

The bed feels cold once again. Each night I keep telling myself that this will be the last one. Just one bad night. The others will be better. I will sleep. I will finally rest. 

But these are only lies I keep telling myself. Because without hope, I'd probably die for real.

Insomnia is something you can't control.

Maybe there's a reason why I can't sleep. Maybe there isn't. Who knows?

I don't.

I never went to a therapist. I don't like the word "therapist." I'm not sick. I don't need a "doctor." I'm not mad. I'm not crazy.

I groan, tossing and turning around. The darkness and the silence inside my room is suffocating me. A glance out of the window tells me that dawn still hasn't arrived. The moon is staring at me as if it's making fun of me.

I turn around because I don't want to look at the night sky, it's only making me sadder.

It feels like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe properly. This happens really often.

I don't even feel awake. I'm actually dead tired but I can't sleep. At one point you're even too tired to sleep.

I just lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling. The ticking of the clock is supposed to sound soothing and calm but instead it just reminds me of the time that is slowly passing without me getting an eye shut. "Whatever," I mumble, getting out of my bed. It's useless to just lie in bed if I can't sleep anyways. Usually I'd just watch a drama or something, but not tonight.

My friends used to ask me to go clubbing with them. Most of the time I just politely refused.

Maybe it's time to finally go to the club. To forget everything. It's easier to sleep when you're drunk. At least I heard so.

Maybe I should find out if it's true.

 

 

 

"Nayeon? You? Here?" My friend, the owner of the most popular club in town, stares at me in disbelief. "Is this real?" she asks herself -- like I'm not there -- and chuckles. 

"Shut your trap, Son Chaeyoung," I mumble. I already regret coming here. It was predictable that this was going to happen.

I've never gone to a club, why did I think it would be a good idea to go all of a sudden?

"Want a drink?" Chaeyoung asks and I just nod. I usually don't drink. But I usually don't go clubbing either, so I think it's okay to break some rules today.

"Why did you decide to pay me a visit?" Chaeyoung asks. "Not that I'm not enjoying your company," she hastily adds.

I just look at my glass, not answering her question. 

There are so many people in the club and it's so damn loud I can't even hear my own thoughts.

The dance floor is crowded but everyone looks just the same.

All the guys look the same...all the girls look the same...wait. There's one girl catching my eye.

She has long brown hair with bangs and she's obviously not a first timer when it comes to dancing. Her movements are so different, and smooth. She's confident in what she's doing. As if she did it a thousand times already.

You can tell that she's just made for dancing. And it doesn't even matter what kind of song comes on. She can twist it into a more sensual type of song -- or at least, her movements are sensual.

The lights are dimmed and everything I see is hazy.

Then someone snaps their fingers right in front of my face, causing me to squint.

"What?" I snap, not trying to hide the annoyance in my voice. 

Chaeyoung shakes her head. "You look at that girl like she's a five course meal. What exactly is going on inside of that pretty head of yours?"

I blush and suddenly I'm glad that it's dark in the club.

"It's nothing...do you know her name?"

Chaeyoung nods and slides me another drink without me asking for it. She's probably trying to make me drunk but I don't mind. I just take the drink.

"Her name is Hirai Momo. She goes clubbing often, like every weekend."

I silently nod.

"I also heard she's a professional dancer," Chaeyoung continued.

That explains a lot. No wonder she's so good at dancing.

"You should talk to her."

I choke on my drink and start coughing.

I'm not brave enough nor would I know what to say and Chaeyoung should be aware of this. 

But after a few more drinks, I feel as if I'm drowning in courage and self-confidence. Just like in the movies.

And before I realize it, I find myself walking towards Momo.

 

 

It's basically a miracle how I could approach Momo without breaking down on the floor.

The alcohol is befuddling my senses, but I think the adrenaline is kicking in, probably preventing me from losing consciousness.

I tap Momo's shoulder and she turns around. I say something but I don't even know what.

I see that her lips are moving but I can't hear what she's saying. I'm just staring at her.

She laughs and suddenly starts dancing slowly again.

I don't know what to do. I can't hear or feel anything. I can only look at her and she seems to like it.

And after a few minutes, she glances at me and wraps her arms around my neck.

"You're so pale, is everything okay?"

I just nod. My throat feels dry.

"Don't be shy."

She then licks her lips before closing the gap between her and me.

I think I never really made out with someone in public. I don't like that.

But like I said: Everything is different today so it doesn't matter. I start sweating and I feel hot.

"Let's get out of here," Momo smirks, and pulls me out of the club.

I don't mind it.

I don't care where we're going. Anywhere. Just not to my place.

The place where I'm restless.

 

 

The next day, I wake up -- to my surprise without a massive headache. And then I realize something else.

I _woke_ up. Which means: I slept.

I look at my phone to check the time. And what the actual fuck, I slept for nine hours straight.

Was it because of the alcohol? 

I don't think so.

I start looking around to realize where I actually am.

It's a light room. A huge mess, there are clothes everywhere but it looks cozy even though someone should tidy it up a bit.

The desk is full of sheets and pens and there are a few plates with leftovers next to the bed.

I chuckle.

Rays of sunlight are shining through the shutter.

Then I hear a soft snore coming from a girl next to me.

I almost forgot that this is Momo's flat.

She looks so soft and cute when she's sleeping. It's as if she has a split personality. Yesterday at the club she didn't look innocent at all.

But now she's a baby.

And the expression on her face while she's sleeping is the most beautiful sight I've ever seen in my entire life.

Heaven is real and I found it.

'Cause heaven is a place on her face.

I place a soft kiss on her cheek and she wrinkles her nose. How can she be so cute?

I giggle.

"Good morning," I whisper into her ear.

She turns around and smiles at me. "Oh, you're still here."

I furrow my brow. "Of course I am. Did you expect I'd just silently leave?"

Momo yawns and stretches her arms. Her eyes are still half-closed.

"Well, that's actually how a one-night stand works, isn't it?"

I start coughing.

I feel so stupid all of a sudden.

Of course this was nothing serious for her. How could I be so delusional? You don't hook up with a girl on the first date if you want it to last.

Momo's face darkens. 

"Did you think it was more than a one-night stand?"

Her voice is still raspy and it sounds so damn attractive, I'm almost losing my shit.

What should I answer?

To be honest, I did think it was more than that. But I know that she doesn't think it is.

"W-well..." I just stutter, trailing off. I'm unable to meet her eyes.

Momo looks worried now.

"I'm sorry...but I'm not looking for a relationship. I thought you'd be okay with that."

I don't know what to say.

Suddenly sitting on the bed next to Momo feels weird. Just a minute ago it made me feel safe but now...

"Nah," I say hurriedly. "It's okay. I...uh...I should probably go now."

Momo seems relieved and that's only making me feel worse. I grab my stuff and get dressed quickly. Momo isn't saying a word.

I regret everything yet I don't.

"See you around!!" Momo shouts after me as I open the door. I don't answer her and just close the door behind me.

A single tear escapes my eye.

I know why I was able to sleep. I know why I finally found peace. Because Momo was my peace. Sadly, I'm not hers.

And I know I won't sleep tonight. Again.

Back to normal.

 

 

I think there was no day in my entire life that passed by so sloly. It felt as if the day was never going to end.

I went to work (I was late but it didn't matter anyways) and got home feeling drained out and exhausted. 

I felt so refreshed and good when I woke up this morning. But now nothing is left.

I lie down on my bed and the night is crawling through my eyes but I can't even sleep for a minute.

I still feel Momo lying next to me. I can still smell her scent and when I close my eyes I still hear her breathing in my ears.

But I know that she isn't there when I open my eyes so I keep them shut.

We didn't even exchange numbers. I can't contact her even if I tried.

They say every Jack has his Jill. But what if Momo is right for me but I'm not right for Momo? Can god be this cruel?

I exhale as much as I can.

I should stop thinking about her but I can't.

Is love at first sight really a thing? I didn't believe in it until just now.

I then turn around to look at my alarm clock.

I don't even know Momo. There was a time before her and there will be a time after her.

I just need to get used to it...

Right?


	2. Substitute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which nayeon finds someone to take momo's place.

Days passed. Weeks passed.

I couldn't forget about Momo. I tried everything. I asked my friends, I called my mom even though we barely talk these days because I don't want her to worry about me.

I know she does when she hears my tired voice on the phone or when she sees my exhausted face.

Nevertheless, I gave her a call and asked her how to mend a broken heart.

And I tried everything. Really.

I dyed my hair black because I heard that some girls change their hairstyles after a break up. Even though it wasn't a real break up. I rearranged my room, I went out with friends, I even met other people but nothing worked.

So I started to count the days.

I gave myself a month to get over Momo. I kept telling myself that it was okay to be heartbroken til that certain date.

And suffering felt good. Allowing myself to suffer felt good.

I know it wasn't Momo's intention to break my heart. She didn't want to harm me but she also didn't know that she did it.

She didn't waste a single thought about me.

Why would she? She was probably clubbing, spending every night with a new girl or boy or what ever...

And then that certain date finally came.

My deadline.

But nothing changed.

I am still here. And I am still heartbroken.

I was holding on to this day. This was the only hope I really had and now it's gone.

And that's when I decided to go to the club again.

Maybe it wasn't Momo who helped me to sleep. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the change. And maybe it could help me again.

I was so terribly wrong.

 

“Hey, there you are again!”, Chaeyoung greets me with a huge grin on her face.

We barely see each other these days because she always takes the night shifts and I didn't go clubbing ever since... I just don't go clubbing that often.

“Hey.”, I tiredly reply.

I know she sees the exhaustion on my face. The dark circles, the pale skin and I lost weight too. It's obvious that I'm not doing well but she doesn't mention it and I'm thankful she doesn't.

Just pretend everything is normal. What does normal even mean?

_Not now, this is not the right moment to have a mental breakdown._

I blink the tears away and force a smile on my face

“It's been a while... what do you want? Drinks on me.”, Chaeyoung says and walks past the counter to pat my back.

“Thank you.”

She smiles, showing off her dimple.

Maybe I can forget Momo for at least a few hours.

 

“So basically, that's how we started dating.”, Chaeyoung finishes and starts chuckling.

I feel a bit dizzy and I couldn't follow her words all the time. The alcohol is finally kicking in.

Chaeyoung was talking without punctuation.

At least she found her significant other.

She met her at work, while she was at her shift. Myoui Mina. A dancer as well apparently.

I immediately got reminded of Momo and I couldn't help it.

Chaeyoung told me everything about Mina. From the mole on her nose, to her gaming addiction and her eating habits.

“She has a ketchup-fetish?”, I ask, trying to catch up with all the words coming from Chaeyoung's mouth.

She hits the back of my head and I start laughing.

I don't feel happy. I feel terribly sad. But I can't stop laughing.

Chaeyoung probably thinks that she managed to cheer me up and that makes everything just worse.

She starts laughing as well and doesn't notice the tears that are falling from my face.

And then I see her. Again.

Brown, long hair. Steady movements. Made for dancing.

I feel like I'm seeing her for the first time.

Chaeyoung is holding her stomach from laughing.

And then I notice something else.

Momo isn't alone.

I feel like throwing up. There's a blonde girl, almost grinding on her it's disgusting. I don't want to see it but I can't look away either.

Chaeyoung continues talking but I don't listen.

I can't understand her words, she sounds like a foreigner to me all of a sudden.

After a few minutes the numbness finally leaves my body when Chaeyoung hits the table.

“Anyways, it was nice talking to you. I hope you're not going home already but I got to return to my shift. Maybe you can pick somebody up?”

She wiggles her eyebrows and leaves me alone sitting at the table.

I look around. Momo is now making out with that girl.

Someone must have stabbed me in the chest because I feel like a part of me is dying inside.

Why her? Why did it have to be her out of all people? I wouldn't feel that bad if Momo had a girlfriend, I think.

But being one of many was horrible. Does she even remember me? Does she know my name?

I don't want to cry.

Then, suddenly, someone sits down next to me.

“Hey, you look pretty lost.”

“Excuse me what?”

The girl chuckles.

“No, no. Excuse _me_. My name is Jisoo. I didn't even introduce myself. How rude. I just thought you look pretty lost. Mainly pretty though but also lost.”

She giggles again.

I can't help but to flash her a small smile. It's not much but I managed to be happy for the fraction of a second.

“Oh!”, she shouts. “You look even prettier when don't put on that sad face. This smile suits you, you should wear it more often! I love your teeth.”

I feel that I'm blushing heavily.

Jisoo smiles at me. She seems to be really funny. She isn't like Momo at all. She is outgoing and straightforward as well but not really in a flirty way even though she tries her best.

She rather seems clumsy and funny.

Also, she found my weakness. My teeth. I can't resist it when somebody compliments my teeth.

“Thank you...”, I whisper shyly.

“So, my friends including my crush left me probably to have a threesome and I don't want to spend the entire night alone.”

She then looks at the dance floor.

“In addition it's kind of noisy here, don't you think? Would you mind going out for a late night walk?”

This girl might be crazy but I like it.

I know I should probably go home because I drank too much already but from the corner of my eye I see Momo leaving the club with blondie.

“Sure. Why not?”

 

The night is clear and silent. There are only a few people on the streets. No wonder. Most of the people are probably at home sleeping already.

“Sooooo....” Jisoo starts after we both kept silent for a while.

The sound of our steady footsteps is pretty loud all of a sudden.

“Why were you clubbing today?”, she asks.

I am caught off guard.

“W-what do you mean? Is it odd to go clubbing?”

She chuckles and looks at the sky.

“Of course not. It's just... you looked lost. You don't go clubbing often. I could tell. Don't worry, I don't do it often either. I rather stay at home.”

I think I underestimated her. She saw what Chaeyoung didn't see.

“So why did you go? Problems at work? Fighting with your parents because they don't like your boyfriend? Lovesick?”

I wince at the last word and she notices it.

“Lovesick it is then.”

It's a statement, not a question.

She knows it. How can she read me like a book after such a short time?

“Did he leave you for another girl?”

Her questions are pretty bold and at first I feel a bit offended. But it's good that someone is there to talk to me. Someone who understands me.

“It was a she and she left me for a bunch of girls.”, I say coldly.

Suddenly I'm freezing.

Just a few minutes ago I thought that the breeze was soft and warm but now it feels as if the cold is embracing me. Like ice.

“Oh...”, Jisoo says.

I expect her to say something but she doesn't.

I am a bit disappointed because I thought she'd come up with a solution.

But how could she find a solution within a minute when I couldn't find one in months.

I let out a sigh.

“I know... it doesn't mean much to you. And it's probably trite and everybody says it but... she isn't worth it.”

I only nod. This _is_ something everybody says. But what did I expect?

Jisoo isn't done yet.

“I don't even know you but I think you are an amazing person. I saw you earlier talking to your friend, the barkeeper. You listened to her entire story about her girlfriend with a smile on your face even though you were dying inside. And if this girl doesn't appreciate someone this selfless then she doesn't deserve you. That's it.”

Jisoo ends and looks at the sky.

“I'm sorry, I wish I could do more to make you feel better.”

I grab her hand causing her to stop from walking.

“Actually this helped me more than everything else until now. Maybe it's because you're a stranger to me but your words seem more meaningful... thank you.”

Jisoo smiles.

Then she starts shivering. Probably because it got a bit cold.

“Uhm... I know it's... weird but...”, she stutters.

I furrow my brow.

“What?”

“Uhm... My roommates are probably... “mating” inside our dorm right now... And as much as I love them I'd like to keep my eyesight as long as possible...”

“Do you want to sleep over at my place?”

My brain didn't even process the information but the words already left my mouth.

And I know I can't take them back.

“Really?”, Jisoo asks excitedly.

I just nod.

“Of course... why not?”

 

 

“So, there's the bathroom and... uhm... you can sleep in my bed.”

Jisoo's eyes get incredibly big.

“And where are you sleeping?”

I shrug and glance into the living room.

“Probably on the couch.”, I say.

“No way!”, she shouts. “I'll take the couch! It's already so kind that you let me stay here for the night.”

I cross my arms in front of my chest.

“I won't let you sleep on the couch. We can discuss this later. You should take a shower now, you're trembling.”

I then hear something rumbling outside and just a second later rain is pattering against my window.

Great. A thunderstorm.

I turn around to look at Jisoo when the lights suddenly turn off. My eyes have to get used to the darkness, I can't even see my own hand in front of my eyes.

Then I hear something falling on the ground and glass shattering.

“Jisoo? Are you okay?”

She's breathing heavily.

“Y-yes... It's just... I'm afraid of thunderstorms...”

“Watch your step you might step on glass and keep calm.”, I tell her and reach for her hands.

Her palms are sweaty and she's shivering.

“Everything is well.” I try to sound as soft as possible. “It's just a thunderstorm. You know what? We can share my bed if you want to.”

She doesn't answer but I can feel that she's nodding.

“I'll make you a cup of tea first.”, I say guiding her to my room.

I didn't expect her to be afraid of thunderstorms. She seems so brave.

I chuckle a bit before returning to my room with a cup of tea.

She's already wrapped in a blanket and looks at me with scared eyes.

“It's okay.”, I assure her again. “Nothing is going to happen.”

She nods and finally relaxes a bit.

“Thank you...”, she mumbles.

I want to say that she doesn't have to thank me. She did way more for me earlier but I can't say it because she already leaned in to kiss me.

At first I'm a bit shocked and I want to back away but pictures of Momo are appearing in my thoughts and I feel a tear escaping my eye.

Suddenly I don't want to push Jisoo away anymore. This is wrong but it's the only thing that feels right now.

I finally respond to Jisoo's kiss causing her to gasp.

The pattering of the rain sounds like a sad melody and I almost get a bit melancholic but Jisoo brings me back to reality.

“Do you really want this?”, she asks with a husky voice.

I only nod before closing the gap once again.

 

 

The first rays of the sun are shining through my window.

The thunderstorm is over already. I think today will be a sunny day.

My glance wanders to the girl sleeping peacefully on my pillow.

It almost feels like a deja vu. But something is different.

As much as I enjoyed Jisoo's company and as much as I tried. I didn't sleep. Not at all.

I was awake the entire night while Jisoo was softly breathing next to me.

It wasn't the alcohol that made me sleep. It was Momo. And Jisoo wasn't Momo.

She was just a substitute for me. For the emptiness Momo left in my heart but Jisoo couldn't fill that emptiness and I know it's wrong to use her for that.

She deserves all my affection but I can't give it to her.

I gave all my love to Momo and right now I'm trying to get that love back from Jisoo.

She smiles while sleeping and I feel a crack in my heart.

I'm not better than Momo right now. Not a bit.


	3. Only you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which nayeon can't forget momo.

I get up way before Jisoo and leave my apartment.

I think I should buy breakfast for her. That's the least thing I can do. I don't want to be like Momo.

I don't want to leave Jisoo like Momo left me.

I even leave Jisoo a message, telling her that I'd be back soon in case she wakes up.

The sky is clear today. I was right thinking that the weather would be nice.

I plug in my earphones and start running. It's been a while since I went jogging for the last time but I missed it.

Even the burning feeling in my throat when my breath gets short, even the stitch I feel.

At least I have time to think while running.

Jisoo was really nice and kind. She was cute as well and I am sure she's deadass serious that it wasn't a one-night-stand.

But I know it was a mistake.

I used her to forget Momo for a single night but it didn't really work out the way I wanted it.

I pass a shop window and stop for a minute to look at my reflection.

When did this happen to me? When did I change that much?

Was it really Momo who got me this far? Or was it me and the fucking insomnia, I don't even remember.

But I know that I don't even want to take a breath without Momo anymore and at the same time I don't want to love her at all.

I don't want this game anymore but I can't stop playing.

I inhale and continue running.

I should hurry before Jisoo wakes up.

 

As soon as I enter my apartment I feel that something's wrong.

I walk into the kitchen to find Jisoo sitting at the table staring at my calendar.

“Wow... you really love her, don't you?”

I crossed out everyday ever since I met Momo until yesterday.

And the date was marked as “free at last”, because I thought I'd be over Momo. Finally. But I wasn't.

Jisoo isn't stupid, she knows what it means. I probably told her yesterday while I was drunk but I don't remember it properly.

“Yea.”, I answer and it's the first time I really admit it in front of someone.

Jisoo then sighs and smiles at me.

“Well, then let's try to get her out of your mind. Want to go shopping today?”

I am a bit surprised that she answers like that.

I thought she'd me upset with me but she isn't. Instead she chuckles when she sees my surprised face.

“What? Did you think I'd judge you for loving somebody else? Don't worry, you don't have to date me from now on. We can just be friends.”, she pauses and waits for my reaction before adding:

“If you want to.”

I smile at her in relief.

“That would be great.”

Maybe there's still hope for me. Not everything is lost now. I didn't break Jisoo's heart. I'm not like Momo.

I'm not a monster.

 

Another week passes by. And I still can't sleep. But I'm not alone anymore.

Jisoo accompanies me from now on.

I'm still heartbroken and I still _feel_ lonely.

At least I know now that being alone and being lonely isn't the same.

You can be lonely in a room full of people. And you can be alone without being lonely.

“Did you go to see a therapist yet?” Jisoo asks while we're sitting on my bad.

She's gently stroking my hear while staring at the ceiling.

“No.”

It's actually the first time that we really talk about my insomnia.

“Why not? I'm sure there are way to...”

“I don't want to that's why.”

I know there are many ways. But I don't want to.

“I don't want to depend to a medicament. I don't want to...”

Jisoo grabs my hands and squeezes them slightly.

It's really a miracle how close we got in such a short time. It feels like she's my best friend already.

My soulmate.... with certain benefits.

“You know you don't always need a medical treatment. Maybe a therapist could help you to find out the cause of your insomnia and you can work on that.”

I know that she's right.

I know that my mother would tell me exactly the same if I'd ask her. And I know that it's probably for the best.

Jisoo rolls over and now she's on top of me staring in my eyes.

“Just promise me that you'll get help soon, will you?”

I close my eyes so I don't have to look at her worried face.

I feel so guilty for only causing drama.

She doesn't move so I only hum in response.

“I love you, you know.”

I swallow hardly.

“Not in that way of course. I love you as my friend and I can't stand seeing you like that.”

A smile sneaks on my face.

“Love you too.”

 

 

“So you are here because you suffer from insomnia?”, the therapist asks looking at me through the lenses of her glasses.

Going to the therapist is really different from what you expect it to be. I thought that I'd have to sit on a couch in cozy room with – I don't know – classical music playing to calm the patients a bit.

But actually I'm now sitting in white room with a lot of paintings from Monet and Van Gogh hung up on the walls.

I nervously bite my nails.

The therapist is also very young with black hair and bangs. She looks strict but also beautiful.

The name tag on her white coat says “Doctor Park Jihyo”.

“Yes.”, I finally answer her question.

She nods and writes something in her notebook without looking at me.

“What keeps you awake at night?”, she then asks and for the first time she smiles at me. I feel relief because her cold aura gave me goosebumps.

“I don't really know... I think a lot.”

“You don't have problems at work? Or with your family? Are you in a relationship?”

She then sees my surprised face.

“These are just formal questions so I can get an overview. I need to get an image of your situation, don't worry.”

She pats my shoulder.

“Uhm... everything's fine at work, I guess. I get along with my family really well and I'm not in a relationship right now, but...”

I stop and bite my bottom lip.

Doctor Park only waits for me to continue.

“There is someone... but it didn't work out. It didn't last... But I had insomnia before that happened already.”

Doctor Park nods and writes something in her notebook again.

“I see... When did your insomnia start?”

I need to think about that for a few minutes. It's been so long, I don't even remember the times when I used to sleep normally.

“I guess when I was 17.”

“And why did you decide to get help all of a sudden? I mean, that's a pretty long time already. You must have gotten used to it.”

I focus on the painting behind her so I don't have to look into her eyes.

It's a scene from a bridge. I already heard of this painting. It's painted with a special technique.

Impressionism, I think. If I remember it right, the painter was Claude Monet.

It's the only painting in this room I really like. The others are rather abstract. That's why I don't like Picasso. Because his pictures doesn't make sense to me. I once read an article about his daughter and the headline said that she was as beautiful as her father's paintings and the thought causes me to chuckle. It's so ironic.

“What's so funny?”, Doctor Park asks. I almost forgot that she's still there.

“Nothing... A friend convinced me to ask for help.”

Another note.

“Well, that was a wise decision. We'll find a way to help you. I'm not the kind of doctor who just hands you a prescription and tells you to take drugs. We'll find another way.”

She smiles reassuring and I almost start having hope.

“Let's talk about your childhood first.”

 

 

There were good and bad days. Days I slept more and days I slept less.

I started thinking that this might be only temporary. I thought that I'd have to deal with insomnia for ever but I guess there's still hope.

But then Jisoo went on a business trip.

And all my hopes got shattered.

I was okay with Jisoo leaving the town for a few days. We were still talking on the phone and she was really happy because it was a big opportunity for her. And seeing her happy made me happy as well.

But what happened afterwards...

 

My stomach is growling and I feel like I didn't eat anything for weeks.

And of course my fridge is empty. I can't cook anyways... but maybe I should start learning it.

Being able to cook is a useful skill.

I decide to go to the store to buy some groceries. I don't know that much about cooking but I know that you can't cook without food.

And here I am, having literally no clue what to buy because I didn't even pick a recipe.

“Holy shit, why am I so stupid...”, I utter under my breath.

I turn around and bump into someone.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I-”

And then I see a familiar face. I step back and hit against the shelve.

“Why so scared? Do I look this terrible?”, Momo asks with a smirk on her face.

Of course she doesn't. What a question. She looks as beautiful as always.

Beautiful and stunning.

I didn't forget her neither did I move on from her. How could I? But I started to get used to the pain.

Well, now it hits me like a truck. Again.

“Wait, are you really afraid of me, Nabongs?”

I can't remember telling her that nickname. No wonder I was drunk that night. But she remembered it.

I thought she forgot me. I thought she wouldn't even remember my face. But she did.

I feel a mixture of pain and joy. Agony and pleasure are so close to each other.

“I-”

She chuckles.

“I don't bite. Don't worry.”

I gulp and try pull myself together.

“So what are you buying?”, she asks and I'm glad she changes the topic. I want to run away, to leave her behind but I want to talk to her.

Jisoo would probably slap me but I don't care right now.

“Just... ingredients. I wanted to cook something but I don't have a clue on how to cook.”, I admit.

My voice is shaking and husky and I know she notices it.

It's impossible to miss it.

“Do you need help with cooking?”, she asks and I pinch my arm. Did she really ask that?

“You know how to cook?”

She shrugs.

“I love food so I taught myself how to cook.”

I'm impressed. There are still so many things I don't know about her. Basically, I don't even know her. But still, I fell for her.

How stupid...

“Uhm... I don't know.”

I know pretty well. I know that I shouldn't even talk to her but my brain isn't functioning normally.

All I see is her face and all I hear is her low voice. All I smell is her decent scent and all I can think of is her.

It's like she poisoned me with something.

And I'm not even trying to fight it.

“Of course.”, I hear myself.

It's my voice. But not my words.

And then she smiles at me and suddenly nothing matters anymore.

 

“Okay, you told me you can't cook but I didn't think it'd be _that_ bad.”, Momo says after looking at the mess I left in the kitchen.

I blush and look at the ground.

The worst thing is that I'm getting to know Momo now. And everything about her is just perfect. She's funny, caring, always helping, cute but sexy at the same time.

I don't think I'll be able to move on from her after today.

Everything just got worse.

“Let me teach you how to hold the freaking knife.”, she laughs and grabs my hand.

I immediately feel a sensation on my skin. At first it's only tickling on my hand but it soon spreads and I feel it all over my body.

I never felt this way.

Momo notices that I start to get tense and she wraps her arm around my shoulder.

I start sweating.

“Are you nervous because I'm so close to you?”, she whispers and I can feel her hot breath on my ear.

How can she play with my emotions so easily.

Is it that meaningless to her?

“Don't be nervous, babygirl.”

“I'm older than you.”

She chuckles and looses her grip a bit.

I exhale a bit.

“So what? I can't call you babygirl?”

I clear my throat and try to back away a bit but she pulls me even closer.

“Momo... I don't...”, I start but I already feel a soft pair of lips brushing against mine.

The one thing I feared the most happened. I was afraid of never seeing Momo again. But I was even more afraid of seeing her again. I was afraid that she would cast her spell on me once again and that I could never move on from her if she did so.

I gently push her away a bit.

“Momo, I can't-”

“Sssht.”, she winks at me and caresses my cheek. “It's okay. Or don't you want it?”

She knows I can't tell her off. I can't reject her and she fucking knows. I want to hate her for that but I can't.

I feel so helpless, like a child.

She then slowly starts kissing my neck while I can only stare at the ceiling, unable to push her away.

Unable to tell her to stop.

Like something invisible chained me

 

 

And again. I was able to sleep. I don't know what kind of magic Momo uses but next to her is the only place where I sleep.

Why does it have to be her?

I could be with every other girl or boy but no one can do what she does.

She only has to look at me and my heart has little breakdown and my head is in the clouds.

I look at Momo's sleeping face and I can't believe that this is actually the person who caused me so much suffering.

She breaks me over and over just to fix me again.

She snores softly and I'd love to kiss her cheek just now but I'm afraid that she'll wake up and leave me again.

So I just keep quiet.

It's incredible. I tried everything to cure my insomnia but nothing worked. And now I start to think that all I need is Momo.

All I need to survive another day, all I need to stay, is Momo.

It has always been her.

Only her.

And yet I can't tell her that because I know she doesn't feel the same.

Of course, I could fight for her love but I don't want to force it on her. That would only hurt the both of us.

Momo then exhales audibly and opens her eyes.

She looks still so sleepy and cute I can't take my eyes off her.

But I know I have to prepare myself because she's going to leave me again. Can I prepare for that?

I can feel my heart breaking already.

“Good morning.”, she whispers and smiles at me.

I can't smile back. I feel that I'm tearing up. I don't want her pity so I try to hide it but of course she notices it.

“Hey, hey! Is something wrong?”, she asks worried.

The fact that she cares about me makes it even worse. Can't she just hate me? Can't I just hate her?

“Nothing.”

She gets up and stares deeply in my eyes before leaning in for a kiss.

Once again she caught me off guard.

My brain doesn't even process what just happened.

I mean technically it's not the first time she kissed me. But it feels like the first time.

Because it's the first _real_ kiss. This is not leading to something more than a kiss.

It's just a kiss but yet so much more than we ever had.

When we part she smiles again.

“Let's get breakfast. I'm hungry.”

 

And that was the first day of a whole new life.

I was too afraid to actually ask Momo what we had. I knew she wasn't my girlfriend and when we went out we never called it a date.

But at least we had a connection.

She came over and we watched a movie. Or we went to the restaurant. Things couples usually do. But what I enjoyed the most was sleeping next to her.

Actually sleeping. With the knowledge that I'd wake up next to the only person I ever really loved in that way.

The silent voice in the back of my head that tells me that this is just temporary is too quiet and to unimportant to me.

The only thing I actually regret about “dating” Momo is that I have to hide it from Jisoo. She would probably never talk to me again if she knew how stupid I am right now.

I also didn't tell it my therapist.

Yet, I told her that my insomnia got better. She probably thinks it's her personal progress and success.

“What are you thinking about?”, Momo softly asks.

We're just cuddling on my bed while I put on some music.

“I'm just happy for your existence. I would do everything for you, you know that?”

The words come so easily from my mouth and everything is true.

I'd really do everything for her.

She chuckles and pecks my cheek.

“I think no one ever loved me as much as you do.”

So she knows that I love her.

I won't ask if she loves me back. I don't want to hear the answer.

She then pins me down and stares in my eyes again.

She knows I can't resist that.

“What exactly do you love about me, Nabongs?”

I gulp and try to look away but she holds my cheek with her hand.

“I-”

Then I hear a noise at the front door. I push Momo off me and she lands on her butt.

“Ouchie. That hurt!”, she whines.

“Nayeonnie?”, I hear Jisoo's voice from the corridor.

“Shit.”

Momo looks confused as I drag her to the closet, open the door and push her inside.

She wants to protest but I just put my index finger in front of my lips and close the door.

Just in time because a second later Jisoo opens the door.

“Oh, I thought I heard someone talking.”, she says and I turn off the music.

I shrug and pretend to yawn.

“I totally forgot that you have spare keys to my apartment.”

She raises a bag in her hand.

“I would have used the doorbell but I thought you were at work anyways. I just wanted to bring you some food for dinner.”

“You're not going to stay?”, I ask.

I mean of course it's better for me if she doesn't. Momo isn't Harry Potter. She can't move into my closet.

Jisoo shakes her head and glances at her watch. She's obviously in a hurry.

“No, I promised one of my roommates to help her with cleaning.”, she sighs and laughs while massaging her temples.

“I don't even know why I agreed to this bullshit.... anyways, make sure to rest enough and we're totally going to have dinner tomorrow.”

I nod and smile at her before walking her to the door. Immediately after I closed the door I rush back to the my room and let Momo out.

“Jesus, I thought I was out of the closet already.”, she jokes and I laugh. “Your girlfriend?”

I choke and start coughing.

“What? No! She's my best friend.”

I can't read Momo's expression but I think she seems a bit relieved. Is it just because she doesn't want to get in trouble or because she'd be jealous if I had a grilfriend.

Anyways, I somehow feel really happy and light.

“Good to know.”, she says. “Then she won't get in my way.”

I really don't know what this smirk on her face means.

 

Basically Momo isn't in a competition. Because I only have eyes for her. I can't even look at other girls without thinking of Momo.

Sadly, it's one-sided.

One day she starts hooking up with other girls again.

She still sleeps over at my place very often but not every day. And when she's not around I can't get an eye shut.

And seeing her with other girls hurts.

I beg myself to let go of her. I want to break it off. Finally but I can't.

We started fighting a lot.

When you don't get enough sleep you get moody and angry.

But I always end up begging her for forgiveness.

“Is your insomnia getting worse again?”, Jisoo asks while munching her food.

We decided to have lunch together at my plcae but I didn't even touch my food.

I nod.

That's the best excuse and it's not really a lie. When Momo isn't around my insomnia is worse.

“Did you talk to your therapist about it?”

I rest my head in my hands.

I'm really not in the mood to talk about such a heavy topic right now.

Especially not when I know that Momo is probably out with another girl again.

I didn't talk to Doctor Park. Our last “meeting” was a month ago.

“How am I supposed to help you, when you don't talk to me?”, she sounds a bit hurt.

I understand. She suffers as well.

Because she doesn't know how to help me. It must be awful to see someone else hurting without being able to change something about it.

There are wrinkles of concern visible on her forehead and she looks tired as well.

I poke around in my food when Jisoo suddenly hits the table.

I wince and look up.

“Just tell me what's going on! I'm not stupid. Something happened. You were so happy a few weeks ago. I thought you're finally getting well but it looks like it's getting worse again. So just tell me what the fuck happened to you?”

Her voice is loud and I can't even look at her face without drowning in guilt.

“Momo happened. Again.”

My voice is only a soft whisper but she hears every word clearly. I can see how her expression gets darker and how she starts to understand.

“You didn't-”

“Yes, I did.”

There's no use in denying it.

She immediately gets up from her seat and walks over to the door.

“I can't believe that you were so stupid! I thought you were smart. And you hid it from me. I thought friends tell each other their secrets.”

I feel a sting in my heart.

I can't bear losing Momo _and_ Jisoo.

Jisoo has always been the rock I could hold onto. But not anymore. Not after I betrayed her.

“I'm sorry, Nayeon but I won't help you with this. This is your own fault and I need a break as well. You're not the only one who's tired.”

And with these words she walks out of my apartment.

Everyone leaves me. Even Jisoo.


	4. Overdose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which nayeon finally can't take it anymore.

“So, why didn't you come earlier to talk to me?”, Doctor Park asks with a calm voice.

It doesn't sound like an accusation but it feels like one.

It's probably just me. She's a professional why would she accuse me of anything.

“I don't know... I was just... busy.”

That's a lie and she knows.

“I see. Did your friend convince you again?”

I immediately think of Jisoo and I almost start to cry. We didn't talk for days, she's still upset with my and it's slowly tearing me apart.

“No. I decided to come by myself... my friend and I... we fought.”

Doctor Park raises her brow.

I hate it when she does that. I'm so oversensitive these days. I'm mad at everyone and everything, mostly at myself for being such a stupid, silly, bitch.

I inhale deeply and try to focus on Doctor Park. Maybe it's about the time to tell her why my insomnia got worse and why it got better in first place.

 

“You should have told me that earlier.”, she says after I finished explaining the whole Momo thingy to her.

“You know, lying to me is totally useless. I'm not your enemy. I'm trying to help you here and I can't help you when you're not honest with me.”

Of course that's nothing new to me.

I was only lying to myself and I know that. So I just nod.

“Well, that's surprising turn.”

She's quiet for a minute. Probably thinking of a solution and I keep staring at the painting behind her.

The bridge I already noticed when we had our first meeting.

I wish I was there. Far away from everything. From Momo, from Jisoo, from my life.

Doctor Park lets out a sigh and looks at me.

“I know, I said that I prefer other ways of treatment... but if it gets too bad, if you can't handle the lack of sleep you should try this.”

She hands me a prescription.

_Rohypnol._

I heard of that already.

Rohypnol is a really strong sleeping pill. A small dose can already cause you to fall asleep. I heard that people often use it to spike drinks or something like that.

No way I'm taking these.

But I put the prescription in my bag just to satisfy Doctor Park.

I don't want her to worry.

“I think we should talk again as soon as possible.”, she says and looks at me with a serious face.

I don't like that.

She looks too serious. Not smiling anymore.

Worrying, isn't she?

I nod.

“Are you free next week?”

I know that Doctor Park is pretty busy most of the time so I'm surprised that she wants to meet me so soon.

She only makes so much time for patients if she considers them as a threat for themselves or if their condition is really bad.

I'm not a threat for myself so I guess she worries that I might have a mental breakdown because of the lack of sleep.

“Yes.”, I agree and then she finally smiles at me.

“You're going to be okay. I promise you. Now go and make up with your friend. You need her.”

 

 

But instead of going to meet Jisoo I decided to talk to Momo.

I want to finally make things right.

I either need her to tell me that she really feels something for me or I need a real closure.

I'm not playing her games anymore.

It's getting late already and I know she went clubbing again.

I don't even call her and instead go straight to Chaeyoung's club.

And as soon as I enter, I see her.

She's once again the center of the dance floor and of course the center of attention. She's not even looking at me when I approach her. It doesn't feel like the first time I met her but I am way more nervous than I was back then.

She's drunk, I can smell the alcohol already.

But I need to get this out of my system. She won't stop this toxic relationship. So I know that I have to do it instead.

“Can we talk?”, I have to shout so she can hear me because the music is too loud.

It feels like my brain is vibrating and I know I'll get a headache if I stay much longer in the club.

“Outside?”, I add.

She seems pissed.

She doesn't want to leave the club but in the end she agrees.

“What do you want?”, she hisses when we reach a bench near a park.

I know she's drunk. This isn't the Momo I love.

Maybe this will make thinks easier for me.

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. I can still hear the distant sound of the music coming from the club but it's so soft.

“I need to know something.”

She just blankly stares at me. I remember her sweet sleeping face. The expression when she wakes up or when she smiles about my stupidity.

Everything's gone now. I don't know why she treats me like that but I feel like she hates me. Like she's sick of me.

“Just say it, I want to go back.”

“What am I to you?”

No reaction. It's like talking to a wall.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. And you know what you are for me. You know that I love you.”

She sighs and puts her head back to look at the sky.

There's not a single star to be seen. Only the street lights.

“You're Im Nayeon and you know that. I like you but I don't love you and you know that as well. I'll never feel more for you and we'll never be more than – I don't know – friends with benefits.”

It takes some time for my brain to process these words.

I thought I was ready for this. I thought I'd be okay because deep down I knew that she'd say something like that.

I knew that Momo doesn't love me but the heart wants what it wants and you can impossibly prepare it for such a huge disappointment.

You think you know how it feels to have a broken heart. You think you're already pushed to your limits until you experience something worse.

That's what's really sad.

“What are you doing here?”, I hear a voice from behind.

I turn around to face a black-haired girl, I've never seen before.

“Who are you?”, she asks then turning towards Momo. “Is she one of your bitches?”

_One of your bitches._

Is this what I really am?

I never felt so worthless in my entire life.

“What ever. I don't care anyways.”, she then looks at me with a pitiful expression on her face.

“Get lost, bitch and stop fucking crying. ”, she then wraps her arm around Momo and pulls her closer.

And that's were I lose it.

I take a step closer and pull her hair back.

She screeches in pain.

“BITCH! Are you insane?”

I'm not actually that mad at her.

I'm mad at Momo for treating me like a toy she can just throw away after some time.

I hate Jisoo for leaving me when I needed her the most.

I hate this girl for taking the only thing I ever really had. My dignity.

And I hate myself the most. For loving Momo even though I knew that it was toxic. For lying to Jisoo and for being unable to make at least one wise decision in my messed up life.

I released all this hate and all this anger when I slapped that girl in the face. I don't even know her name but I wanted wreck her.

Sadly, I underestimated the lack of sleep that weakened my body and the girls strength.

She easily frees herself and punches me back.

Momo doesn't even try to hold her back when she hits me in the stomach. There's no one to help me, the streets are empty.

And I'm to weak to actually fight back.

So I just endure it.

I just endure the pain like I always do. It's only physical. It's nothing compared to everything I've been through already.

She still hits me even though I'm already on the ground.

I look up to see Momo staring down at me with no expression on her face.

I reach out my hand and try to touch her but takes a step back.

She won't help me and that hurts more than every slap and every punch.

 

 

I crawl into the kitchen and somehow manage to take a bottle of water out of the fridge.

I don't remember how I got home.

I only remember Momo walking away with that girl, not even looking back at me. Not helping me to get up.

The memory is burned into my brain and I know I will never be able to forget it.

My shoulders are shaking heavily. I don't know if my face is wet from blood, sweat or from my own tears.

Love is meant to be a cure. Love is meant to be the most beautiful thing in life. But yet it's the most terrible thing that could have ever happened to me.

Just the touch of her hand can erase all the pain I went through. Just a kiss on the lips can make me forget all the painful memories in my mind.

All I ever needed in my entire life was her. All I ever had.

Every fiber of body hurts and so does my soul.

Everybody has his or her personal breaking point. A point where you just know you're never going to be okay again.

I just reached mine. I will never recover from this. There is no “okay”. I'm a wreck and you can't fix me again.

When a heart gets broken you can probably fix it again.

With a bit of glue you can put it together again.

But not if you're heart wasn't broken but shattered into thousands of little pieces.

I only have one last hope.

I grab my phone and call Jisoo.

But she doesn't pick up her phone.

I don't know whether she's sleeping or still ignoring me but it doesn't matter anyways.

I leave her a message instead.

“Hey...”

Silence.

“I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.”

Bigger silence.

“For everything. Everything you went through because of me. And everything you will go through because of me.

I'm sorry that I lied to you and I'm sorry that I couldn't be the kind of friend you deserve. I couldn't be the one I swore that I'd be. And I can't keep my promises. I'm sorry.”

I slowly get up from the floor and walk to the bathroom.

_How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this? I never did anyone wrong. I was a good girl. Always. I treated people nicely and I was always polite. I never hurt someone or broke someone's heart. Yet, my heart is broken._

_I look at my reflection in the mirror. Dark circles under my red, puffy eyes. Pale skin like paper... or porcelain. Yes, porcelain. That's probably the better comparison._

_Because I feel like I'm made out of porcelain. Fragile, probably going to break. I used to think if you take care of something good enough, it can't break._

_But I was wrong._

_Everything and everyone has a breaking point._

_And this is mine._

My eyes glance somewhere distant. I'm not focusing on where I go or what I do.

I find myself sitting on the floor again.

The empty package of the pills I just took lies next to me on the ground. I clench my fists as I feel the Rohypnol kicking in.

I never felt more tired in my entire life. I just want to sleep. I sink on the ground, staring at the sun above me.

But why isn't it moving? Is time standing still? The sun isn't moving at all.

It takes me extremely long until I remember that I'm not staring into the sun but at the ceiling and that this big ball of light is a lamp which slowly gets darker.

I'm so thirsty, my lips are chapped already and it feels like my tongue is glued to roof of my mouth.

But that's only temporary. After some time I don't even feel my body. I can't move at all and I don't even feel the disgusting taste of the Rohypnol in my mouth.

That's when I hear a noise from the front door.

“Nayeon!”, someone screams.

Who's that? I don't remember this voice. Someone storms in and bends down. I don't remember this face.

“Oh my god, Nayeon! What did you do?”

I feel something on my face. Tears. They aren't mine.

It's Jisoo. I suddenly remember her name again.

I smile. At least I think I'm smiling I don't know if I actually have the strength to do it.

She still cares about me.

Her voice sounds so distant and I don't understand what she's saying. It sounds like a foreign language to me.

But it's so calming to her hear her voice next to me.

I'm suddenly not afraid of dying anymore.

At least Jisoo is here.

“Why did you do this, Nayeon?”, she asks. And for a moment I feel my body again. For a moment I can think again. Maybe because I wanted to say this to her before I finally leave.

“I can't live without her.”, my voice sounds raspy and as if it doesn't even belong to me. I hear a roaring sound in my ears as well.

“Don't worry.”, I whisper. It's so hard to speak. It takes so much energy. “I'll be okay. And so will you.”

And that's true. I just know that we'll be okay. The both of us. Just in different places.

“Just promise me one thing.”

She isn't even being delusional. We both know it's over already, so she just nods.

“Don't cry for me. Don't be sad. And confess to your fucking roommate Jennie. Don't be as stupid as I was.”

It might look inappropriate to others that she laughs just now about my joke. But it makes everything so much easier for the both of us.

She rests my head on her lap and strokes a strand of my hair back.

I just stare into her eyes when I feel a last wave of energy going through my body before I breathe out one last time with only one word coming from my lips.

“Momo.”

**Author's Note:**

> holy shit i had to type all of this up again and my fingers hurt like hell  
> btw yall should listen to halsey's strangers while reading this, it fits perfectly  
> \- only_chaeyoungs


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